


Herz eines Engels

by RosesOnTheMoon



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied Horaki Hikari/Suzuhara Touji, Kaworu Lives, M/M, Mari isn't a pilot, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Makinami Mari Illustrious/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Music, Music Store, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Nagisa Kaworu, POV Third Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22361101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosesOnTheMoon/pseuds/RosesOnTheMoon
Summary: Nagisa Kaworu knows nothing of Lilin emotion. He doesn't know what love is, having never experienced it. But, when he meets Ikari Shinji, and he convinces Kaworu to live, Kaworu rejects the disposable life that had been planned out for him, discovering love, friendship, and more, in the process.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu asks himself questions that he can't answer.

Love? What is love?

It's a word I've heard rarely, said by the few people around me.

As far as I can tell, it means when people care deeply about one another.

Deeply enough to do drastic things. Deeply enough to sacrifice everything. Deeply enough to the point where someone can become the only thing that matters to you.

Love varies from Lilin to Lilin, too. Platonically...Romantically...Sexually...

I don't believe that I've ever loved anything or anyone. I don't think anyone's ever really loved me, either.

So many emotions are connected to such a simple, general and commonly used word.

Happiness. Sadness. Fear. Anger.

Despite all their straightforward definitions, I understand them in the vaguest of ways.

Happiness causes you to smile.

Sadness causes you to cry.

Fear causes you to run away.

Anger causes you to do the worst of things.

Love combines these four words into a seemingly puzzling and overwhelming cesspool that's going to end up hurting you in the end, no matter what you do.

So, what's the reason for it all?

Is there even a reason?

It's popular among the Lilin, despite their fragile, glassy hearts.

Maybe, there's something inside of the Lilin that causes them to love other people.

But doesn't it hurt?

Somehow though, after trying to rationalise it all, recognise the faults and criticise it...

I want to love someone and be loved by someone more than anything.

Maybe there's something out there that's worthy of loving.

Despite my fatal destiny that looms over the horizon,

Maybe I'll finally get to meet that Unit 01 pilot. 

Maybe I could finally understand why.

I am an Angel, after all.


	2. Track 1: Canon in D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu embarks for the streets of Tokyo-3, and finds himself in what's apparently called a 'music store'.

The ringing phone cuts through his thoughts. Kaworu quickly sits up, swiftly catching the large phone before it vibrates itself off of the table.

"Hello?"

"The First Child has been replaced," A woman with an elegant voice replies.

"It's almost time." Kaworu bites his pale lip.

"Understood." The phone beeps and he places the brick-like phone back on the table. Even after living in the cramped apartment for a week, he hadn't bothered to leave.

In a lot of ways, it reminded him of home, back in the tube at SEELE. He gracefully sits back down on the bed and closes his eyes.

_'Love...is that why people care so much about death?'_

'Even with a lot of love, heartbreak will follow me today and tomorrow...' For what was seemingly the seventieth time that night, the song on his SDAT looped, with a quiet 'click' sound.

_Dr. Akagi..._

_"Please, kill me."_

_Misato..._

_"This is all I can do for you."_

_Ayanami..._

_"I think I'm the Third."_

_How the hell am I supposed to ever look at her again? She's not Ayanami. She doesn't remember me, my face means nothing to her. Ayanami might as well be dead. How many of her...Did I know more than one?_

_"Are you stupid?" Maybe I am, Asuka...will you ever even come back?_

Suddenly, Shinji's door creakily slides open.

"Shinji...?" Misato's shaky voice whispers, Shinji able to see her vague silhouette. She stands there for a moment, her faint call for him somehow lingering.

Without another word, she slides the door shut. She says something else on the other side, the squeaking of the wood masking her words.

The sun blindingly shines through the window, with the sounds of the bustling street below filling my ears.

The clock on the wall hung just above the front door, says '11:03 am'. On TV, most Lilin seem to wake long before this time;

In fact, I recall a show in which a girl woke up around this time and was reprimanded by her family.

A quiet laugh escapes me, as I stand up and saunter over to the windows, and pull the curtains open-

My. An unfamiliar sight, yet...It feels so welcoming.

Lilin seem to be talking to one another, maybe about the news, their personal lives, who knows? Only they will ever know.

The train pulls up, everyone struggling to get in and out.

The sun blindingly shining down...It's all so incredible.

Is this how they feel every day?

I've been walking around the streets for hours. Unused to these shoes, my feet have started to hurt mildly. But...

The beauty and quirks of all Lilinkind is truly on display here. I can't simply just pull myself away from such a glorious spectacle. 

"Oof-" A girl with blonde hair and a bright green hoodie sputters.

"Apologies."

"Watch it, kid." The girl stomps past, not looking back at me. 

It's so perplexing.

So many of them seem to be polite, while so many seem to have no regard for others.

Lilin culture thrives off of appearance and how others perceive you; It's a wonder how some of them can behave in such an audacious fashion.

The stores that are lined up; Some of them change appearances, some of them are to entertain. 

But some of them...

I don't understand.

"Makinami...Music?" Before me lies a wooden, sad-looking store; The girl behind the counter looks as uninterested as seemingly possible, lazily laying on the counter.

What is...music? Makinami?

Unable to control my curiosity, I push on the door; A bell rings from above me, causing the girl to eye me up and down as if I were about to steal.

"Ah, welcome. Can I help you?" The girl pushes up on her red glasses, clearly struggling to stifle a bored yawn.

"Hello. What kind of store is this?" 

"What do you mean?" The girl stands up and crosses her arms, seemingly offended.

"What do you sell here? I've never heard of 'music'." I look around- Pictures of strange art lines the walls, 'instruments' on the floor with larger than life prices...

"How do you not know? You live under a rock your whole life, or something?" The girl scratches her head and jumps onto the counter, crossing her legs.

"A tube, actually." The girl narrows her eyes at me for a split second and laughs. 

"You're a weird kid! Do you...really not know?" The girl steps down onto the floor.

"I don't." The girl sadly nods and walks over to a strange looking box.

"This is a record player. They're pretty old, but...It should be able to tell you," I squat in front of it, the girl shaking her head. She pads over to a shelf and takes a black disc of some kind from it, looking at it for just a moment.

"This is a record,' The girl places the record on the player. 

"I'm sure you'll enjoy this, it's called _Ode to Joy_. Beethoven, I think." She moves some kind of stick onto the record, and it begins to...spin?

The girl takes a seat next to me.

And then...

A quiet humming...It sounds almost ominous. But so gentle, so sweet...

Another sound added in...Louder than the other! It grows louder, only to grow quieter again.

Louder again...Another new sound! A new sound of a higher pitch, but it all somehow sounds the same.

My heart is racing, I...

It's truly enthralling!

Is this what the Lillin call 'love'?

It only grows faster, bigger, louder...!

And then, after such an incredible build up...

A voice? German, I believe. 

I'm somewhere else. I don't know where I am, but I'm not here. Not in this store. Not in my apartment. Not in that tube.

No...Am I in my very own head?

My consciousness feels like it's fading away, yet I've never felt more alive.

My heart is beating,

I am human,

I am breathing,

I am alive!

The singing has become all the more intense, I...

It's thrilling...!

Finally, the sounds have reached their end. The girl stands up and removes the odd-looking silver stick from the record.

"So, that was music. You looked like you were going to pass out the whole time, you alright?" She offers me her hand, and I take it and get to my feet.

"Thank you. Music is truly the height of Lilin culture, I understand now." As I turn to leave, the girl places her hand on my shoulder.

"W-wait there!" The girl rushes behind the counter and disappears behind the curtain. 

"Aha!" She reappears a significantly smaller box in hand, with wires attached to it.

"Also, what's a Lil...Whatever, anyway, this is an SDAT," I cock my head to the side, her obviously noticing my confusion.

"It plays music, using a little thingy called a cassette. The cassette in it has the song you just listened to, plus a few more. It's just some classical music," She grabs my hand and places it in my palm.

"Put the earbuds; The little wire-y things in your ears, and press the play button," She points to a button with a triangle and two lines.

"You also use it to pause the song. That's pretty much it." She grins and gives a thumbs up.

"Thank you, again for introducing me to such a wonderful thing. Such a shame I can't indulge it for long." Concern overtakes the girl's one cheerful expression.

"What?"

"Also, my name is Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu." Gently, I place the SDAT in my pocket.

"I'm Mari. Makinami Mari Illustrious. Nice to meet ya." Mari beams again.

"I'd truly love to stay longer, but I have somewhere to be...Thank you, again." I walk to the door, the sun begging to set over Tokyo-3.

"Really, it's all good. Feel free to come again, Nagisa!" I turn around.

"Call me Kaworu." Mari nods and waves at me.

"See ya!" I close the door, the bell ringing once again. I take one last look back;

And for the first time, resent my destiny.

Kaworu, noticing Shinji finally walking onto the beach, takes the earbuds out of his ears and quickly puts the SDAT in his pocket, studying his face.

'Sadness? No...Fear? Contentment?' 

Shinji slowly walks through the sand, eyeing a small black cat, sat on the boardwalk; That seemed to immediately run away at the mere sight of him. 

The Third Child sighs, and steps toward the ocean, and stops, right in front of the water. Another step forward. Another. The bottom of his sneakers are wet. Halfway through another step-

Humming.

_'Ode to Joy...?'_ Shinji takes a few steps back and turns his head.

"Ah, music is wonderful." Shinji spots a figure, perched on top of some kind of statue, with large angelic wings. A boy?

"Huh?" 

"It brings me such joy- truly the highest achievement of the Lilin," Shinji swallows.

"Don't you agree," 

"Ikari Shinji?" As the boy finally turns to him, Shinji feels his heart skip a beat.

"How do you know my name?" Shinji blinks at him.

"Everyone knows your name. You should be more aware of where you stand." The boy snickers, his silver hair gently swaying in the breeze.

"Oh, really? What's your name, then?" Shinji smiles, finding himself charmed by the boy.

"Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu. I'm just like you; I've been chosen as the Fifth Child." Kaworu smirks. Shinji raises his eyebrows.

"You're the Fifth Child, Nagisa?!" A faint look of worry falls on Shinji's face.

"Please, call me Kaworu." Struggling to maintain eye contact, red colouring Shinji's face. 

_'How interesting...'_

"O-oh, then you can call me Shinji." Kaworu lightly laughs.

"If you wouldn't mind, could you please escort me to NERV HQ?"

"I'd love to get to know you more." Effortlessly, he leaps down from the angelic statue. 

"Yeah, sure, K-Kaworu..." 

_'It begins.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :) all feedback and criticism is appreciated!!
> 
> i started this fic in january and i meant to uh. actually WRITE it but then i didn't so i guess i'm doing it now lmao
> 
> twitter: @asukar0se


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